Why Hillary Clinton Will Win

By Josh Skinner

The crew of the USS Status Quo will arrive to port safely. A tattered and bewildered Hillary will stumble out of the boat, triumphant as the first woman to rule the dominant empire of the day. She will be confused about why it was so hard, but she knew that she was the right decision for America, and so does 51% of America.

Objectively, the fallout from this election is going to be stressful; Hillary wasn’t on anyone’s list other than the List of Hillary, but she is the candidate of the sane. She’s the candidate for the people who don’t think that race riots and trade wars are desirable outcomes of an election victory. That’s to say that America will abstain from going full-purge entirely in spite of Chillary Blinton. That’s to say that the reason’s Hillary will win mostly independent of herself.

Unfortunately, ever since a little bit of a millennial breakup, otherwise known as Brexit, stats and polls mean nothing. Politics is about narrative and storyline, and objectivity although not rendered entirely irrelevant has lost most of its cache in the modern discourse. This is why a case against Donald Trump based on policy is silly. Rather the case against Donald Trump should be made on inherent flaws in character, literary devices, and ghosts.

To begin with, humans throughout history are mostly the same. People have the occasional capacity to not be the worst; in fact, the word ‘humanitarian’ is the word we use for those who go above and beyond. But when we suck, it’s hard to justify why a bad human ever clawed their way out of a human crib. Shakespeare is regarded as “overrated and kind of shit” when people between the ages of 14 and 17 are asked about his work. Billy Shakes, independently of everything else (Iambic Pentameter, come on write like a normal person), captured the human emotion of hubris in his plays really well.

Hubris is when you draft all injury prone superstars in your fantasy league. It’s when you lose you trip and fall a lot and get facial piercings. It’s when you conquer all of the good parts of Europe and decide that what you really want is the cold, desolate and distinctly Russian part of it. It’s when you become Republican presidential nominee with less than 10% of the total popular vote.

Right now, Donald Trump is at the peak of his powers. He did what myself and others thought was impossible and has conquered much of the political landscape up to this point through an unshakable belief in himself ,and tactics that are antithetical to the basic tenets of liberalism. Somewhere, the characters of Macbeth, Icarus, and Cersei from the books are setting the table for Donald Trump’s inaugural entrance into the Hall of Hubris.


Donald Trump has flown far too close to the sun with this presidential race, and the ramif ications for a loss will be tremendous. This is a man who is built on mystique of being incapable of an objective loss. What will happen to his real estate empire if he loses? What will the spotlight for himself that he created reveal if his taxes ever come to light? Everything that the Donald does from this point forward will be challenged with the scrutiny that politicians face.

Donald Trump, a man who thrives on secrecy just as much as Clinton does will be held to the same standards as his opponent once the aura of invincibility is shattered. Such is the case with all great conquerors. Once this aura is removed the downfall begins. For Napoleon, it was the country with the second best beach soccer team in the world that broke this aura. For Trump, in a situation that is making what Buzzfeed’s most hated writer jealous, the defeat will cement him in Hall of Hubris lore.

Trump, a man who has been accused of being a rapist, will be kept out of the White House by a Wall.


This is a wall that has stood for 24 years meaning that it has existed for as long as Nick Jonas has been on this planet, and just like that Nick’s boyish smile, this Wall has at the very least four more years left in it. This is a group of nineteen states that has voted democrat in every election since 1992 and accounts for 242 out of the 270 Electoral College votes needed to win a presidency.

What are Electoral Votes? That’s a question for another time. The point here is that Trump has reached the ceiling of what he is capable of achieving within the realms of reality. As has been pointed out by a couple of John Stewart types: Donald Trump would have illuminated the flaws within America in a positive way, had he dropped out of the race in the summer. Unfortunately, like Macbeth, Donald believes that he can be the king of Scotland through a ham-handed approach that involved an extraordinary set of circumstances that have yet to come crashing down.

Donald sewed his own fate. He cemented the conditions of political polarization in a way that has made the gap between blue and red states wider than ever. People who were going to vote Republican are still going to vote Republican and those who are going to vote Democrat will do exactly that. This is because Donald Trump has reinforced the alternate conceptions of reality between the voting base of either party.


His rhetoric made people of his party feel more right than ever, and he created a cult following that defends him at every opportunity that arises. This support has been his Red Bull and afforded him wings, but with each day he gets closer to the sun and the industrial grade wax holding his hair together weakens.

The Blue Wall is a symptom of political polarization that arose out of ideological migration. Ideological migration is the process by which people who were liberal living in conservative areas moved to where they would find like-minded folks, and vice versa for the Conservatives. Every time the Donald speaks of a wall to the South, he adds another brick to the one keeping him from entering the White House.

The Ghosts of Bush’s Past Haunt Florida.


Oh Jeb…Jebinald…Jebley. He was too good for this race, and was bullied for months and were exiled out of the race for the nomination. His wife is Mexican and Donald Trump used her as a campaign point to discredit Jeber’s stance on immigration. Jebroni’s unwillingness to sling mud made everyone throw dirt balls at him. But he will have the last laugh.

Just like Hillary on the opposite side of the aisle it was his turn to take a run at controlling the dominant empire of the day. His papa bear played second fiddle to the patron saint of trickle-down economics. His eldest blood bro was a born again cokehead, alcoholic, Connecticut-Texan hybrid. He served as governor for the key swing state in America and won a damn election for your Georgey.

Donald banished the human teddybear from the republican cafeteria for being an elected politician in a race that found the very act of success in politics distatestful. When he did this, he robbed not just the rock of Jebralta but also his family’s chance to solidify a dynasty, but also a chance to make his daddy proud. This is an injustice.


This is a family that lives and breathes pettiness, and comes back with fire and brimstone. When George senior lost to Bill Clinton, George the Junior came back and inflicted the 2008 housing market crash on the country. When a little country that rhymes with “my-back” was seen as disrepectful to America, King Petty, Regina George Bush went in for round two of his daddy’s war and finished the job, causing half a million Iraqi deaths.

George H.W. Bush has said that he will vote for Hillary. With this comes the chance for Jebus to do what he does best: rigg the fuck out of the Florida.

There is no better fate for Mr. Trump than to have his defeat sewn entirely by his own massive character flaws that have lead him this far. His polarizing rhetoric gave him the base to clinch the nomination but rules out any appeal to the undecided vote. His tendency to bully his opponents has evoked the rage of a family that lives to inflict revenge. Trump’s story has been incredible to see unfold, but now we enter the last chapter of what will highlight tragedy over triumph. Mr. Trump, welcome to the Hall of Hubris.